Reflection

Re-reading the prior posts, I am horribly dismayed by my lack of consistency.
But I do remember quite a bit of my life based on the descriptions I wrote. I am still thankful for the man who I spent all those years on and broke my heart anyway. (Funny how last week I wrote a vague rant on Facebook about him getting back together with a real doozy of a psycho ex. And the dingle-dork hit the "Like" button on it. Ha! Whoever said men were intelligent... I'll leave that one alone.)
In any event, I'm thankful for the feelings he invoked in me for the sheer fact that it made me realize I was worthy of love.
I married my son's father and then divorced him. I love life too much to die at the hands of someone who professes to love me between blows to the head. In the process, I became an alcoholic. Now I know I sound detached from it, but at this point I'm nearly four years past the event and I've managed to reduce it down to the bare facts. There was a lot of pain and a lot of soul searching. Still have problems holding it together when he wants to act all chummy, but c'est la vie.
It took a lot of love and acceptance from a long ago lover who rescued me to get me to this point. We finally married this past June.
So while I'm working on my third marriage, I've gotten to see my middle child once and come to the despairing realization that she has no use for me, nor any desire to know me. The same will probably be true of my eldest child as well. While I was desperately trying to get my act together, they were desperately needing me and I wasn't there. I cannot change those facts. I can only live with the consequences.
Also while I was gone from Blogger, I returned to church and re-acquainted myself with God and my love for His son, Jesus Christ. Thus, I am a new woman because He makes me new.
But I will not be deleting the past posts talking about paganism or my exes. The past is the past and unchangeable. I did go through my computer files and delete the pictures and letters never sent. I deleted some of the logged conversations. I won't be rereading them. The private conversations between lovers do not need aired, therefore are of no use in even my blogs.
But the men are not deleted from my life as my first husband deleted me from his friend list. Would make it easier to keep in contact for our daughter, but as I said before, she has no use for me (in her way of thinking) so he has no point in keeping me on his friend list I guess.
My other exes though are there, though I do not talk to them if I can help it. My son's father tries to play nicey-nice. But really dude. You tried to kill me. Only reason you have access to my page and my pictures is because most of them are of our son and I don't feel like paying my lawyer $200 an hour to go back to court and deal with your whiny butt about money or lack of access to my son.
I got side-tracked... where was I? Aha. The Paganism. I still stand by my Narrow Path analogies. And I still stand by my belief that personal spirituality and faith and enlightenment are singularly and personally exclusive. I just now happen to believe that the only true way is through Christ. I do refuse to be preachy though. I went that route in high school and cost myself friends. He calls us to be available, not discriminatory or exclusive.
So the short and skinny at this point is that I am happy and healthy, both physically and mentally.
I am married and a mom/stepmom in all senses of the job titles. I am about to celebrate 3 years at the same company after the last one canned me at 3 and a half years. I love shoes and my job entails dealing with many aspects of the selling and stocking of shoes. A dangerous job for someone with a shoe fetish, but I stare temptation in the face every day and only rarely lose control. (There's currently a pair of boots that are tempting me something awful, but the $75 price tag is helping keep them out of my closet.) I have a home and a family.
That's good for now. All I need. Really.

And... She's Back.

Not that anyone I know actually reads this. And anyone I know now doesn't even know this place even exists for me. Maybe that's a good thing. There's a need within to write and not have it picked apart for hidden meaning or underlying tones. I just need to blog.
I can't keep a journal going. I buy them with intent to write religiously, but I never start. Or I write once and it goes in the back of a drawer. As a kid I wrote almost every day in a lavender journal my mom got me. Then one day I just stopped. Then my freshman year I wrote in a five subject notebook every day. Then about the middle of second quarter, I just stopped. I have both still to this day and sometimes am quite appalled at preteen and teen me. Other times, I'm floored by her insights and can't believe I forgot writing them.
For example, freshman year I wrote that I couldn't freaking stand this boy in my class. 8 years later I married him. I shouldn't have. I should have dug out that journal and read what I had wrote. Would have saved me some heartache and our daughter some pain.
Even here! I said, "Stay tuned!" And then gave nothing to stay tuned in for. Such a shameful writer I am.
So maybe every now and again I ought to just vent here. And write like I was meant to write. Lord knows, if I do that on Facebook I get people who mean well jumping down my throat.
So with that... Her Royal Pinkness, Queen Elizabeth I is back.